Too Deep?

I spend a lot of time with God when I am involved in a Bible study or discipleship. I have homework to do or a lesson to prepare and I enjoy spending that time in the word. Then we have a 2 week break between Bible studies or there is a season where I am not involved and I suddenly realize its been 4 days (most of the time weeks) since I've even cracked my Bible. I was thinking yesterday, why do I do this? I really love learning and exploring God's Word. So why aren't I more diligent? Yesterday I realized it was because I was scared of going Deeper.

You might be thinking, "Why in the world is she scared?" or you are nodding your head in agreement... 

 I've always been a skeptic. I've also observed a lot of 'church people' in my 22 years as a Christian. (Yes I was 4) The people that I thought of as 'Deeper' always seemed to bug me. Announcing how many hours they spend in prayer a day. Or using to many Christian-eese terms. Or not being able to say one sentence without some sort of reference to themselves and their relationship to God. And they seem to push their convictions on to you! I can't stand hearing this sort of talk! It seems so self-righteous, self-centered, and well... just SELF!

Guess what I realized!? Those are personality flaws. Not a result of going deeper into a relationship with God. Our relationship is suppose to be PERSONAL! Not broadcast to anyone within listening distance. Not posted as your facebook status. And not rubbed in the face of people 'less deep'. Now I am all for sharing what God is doing in your life. But there is a difference between trying to portray yourself as deep and being deep. 

Oh and plus, what about the stuff I'll have to give up! I mean you can't try incorporate God in every part of your life then put him on pause at 8 p.m. because your favorite show is on. What if he doesn't approve? I've found that when I am going deeper into the word and what God has for me, I don't want to watch that show anymore. Read that magazine, or talk about that kind of stuff. I don't miss it! I know some things will require sacrifice, but so far it hasn't been something I'm overly attached to. Someday soon that will change. I'm sure of it.  

So I am not going to assume that I will start talking in Thee's and Thou's. I will take that leap. I will on a spiritual journey. I won't bore you in Sunday School with how awesome I am. I won't post every triumph over sin as my Facebook status. I will keep my personal relationship personal. If you notice a change in me for the better, that is wonderful. But I don't want to APPEAR deeper. I want to be deeper.